要是有一则笑话解决不了的事，那就两则笑话，看笑话，能让我们变得开心，
心不在焉的老师
An Absent Minded ProfessorA notoriously absentminded professor was one day observed walking along the street with one foot continually in the gutter，the other on the pavement. A pupil meeting him said： “Good evening，professor.How are you? “Well，” answered the professor，“I thought I was all right when I left home，but now I don't know what's the matter with me.I've been limping for the last half hour.”
有一天，人们看见一个有名的心不在焉的老师在路上走，他的一只脚一直踏在街沟里，另一只脚踩在人行道上。 一个碰见他的学生说： “晚安，老师。您怎么了？” “啊，”这位老师回答说：“我想我离开家的时候还挺好的，可是现在我不知道出了什么毛病。我已经一瘸一拐走了半个小时了。”
A Useful Way
Father:Jack,why do you drink so much water?
Jack:I have just had an apple,Dad.
Father:What"s that got to do with it?
Jack:I forgot to wash the apple.
一个有效的方法
爸爸：杰克，你干嘛喝这么多水呀？
杰克：我刚才吃了个苹果，爸爸。
爸爸：可是这跟喝水有什么关系呢？
杰克：我忘了洗苹果呀。
Young hopeful：“Father，what is a traitor in politics?”
Father(a veteran politician)：“A traitor is a man who leaves our party and goes over to the other one.”
Young hopeful：“Well then，what is a man who leaves his party and comes over to yours?”
Father：“A convert，my son.”
【译文】
什么叫叛徒？
有希望的青年人：“父亲，什么叫政治叛徒？”
父亲(一位老资格的'政治家)：“叛徒指的是离开我们党而加入到另一个党的人，中小学英语《趣味英语：笑话三则》。”
有希望的青年人：“那么，离开他的党而加入到我们党的人又叫什么呢？”
父亲：“叫改变信仰者。我的儿子。”
成年人的抉择
The year before my son turned 18, he constantly pleaded to be allowed to a have tattoo, but I refused to sign permission for one.He argued that soon he would be a man and he should be able to make adult decisions. Sure enough,a few days after his 18th birthday,he come home with a tattoo. Although l was not happy about this, I was curious to see what symbol of masculin'， he had chosen. There, on his shoulder,was a two inch image of Mickey Mouse.
我儿子十八岁前的那一年，常常向我提出准许他文身。但我拒绝允许他这么做。他争辩说他不久就要成为男子汉了，并说他应该能够做出成年人的抉择了。果然，十八岁生日的几天后，他文了身，回到家里。尽管我对此感到不高兴，但出于好奇，我想看看他选择了什么雄性象征物。原来他在肩上文了一个两英寸长的米老鼠像。
Eating out
外出就餐
When the bill arrives ，Mark, Chris ，Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20,even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the women get their bill ， out come the pocket calculators.
买单的时候，阿麦，阿克、阿力和阿汤每人都甩出20块钱，虽然其实一共只吃了32块50没人有更小的票子了，也没人愿意承认他们其实想把票子破开。女人买单时，每人掏出个计算器。
谁的儿子最伟大
The mothers of four priests got together and were discussing their sons. "My son is a monsignor," said the first proud woman. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Monsignor'。" The second mother went on, "My son is a bishop. When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Excellency'。"
"My son is a cardinal." continued the next one. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Eminence'。
" The fourth mother thought for a moment. "My son is six-foot-ten and weighs 300 pounds, " she said. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Oh, my God'！"
四位牧师的母亲聚到一起谈论她们的儿子。“我的儿子是个教士，”第一位母亲自豪地说道，“他进入房间，人们都说，‘您好，阁下’。”
第二为母亲说：“我的儿子是位主教。他进入房间，人们都称，‘您好，大人’。” “我的儿子是位红衣主教，”第三位母亲接着说，“他走进房间，人们都说，‘您好，尊敬的主教大人’。”
第四位母亲略思片刻。“我的儿子身高六英尺十，体重三百磅，”她说，“他要是走入房间，人们都说‘哦，我的上帝’！”
Let Dog in Hotel
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me.He is well-groomed and very well behaved.Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner,who said,"I've been operating this hotel for many years.In all that time,I've never had a dog steal towels,bedclothes,silverware or pictures off the walls.I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly.And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.Yes,indeed,your dog is wele at my hotel.And,if your dog will vouch for you,you're wele to stay here,too."
一个人给一家他计划在假期里停留的小旅馆写了封信，“我十分期望带着我的狗，它很干净很有教养，你能允许它和我睡一间屋子吗？”
旅馆主人立即回了封信，“我经营旅馆很多年了，狗从没偷过毛巾，床单， 餐具，或者墙上的画。我也从没有在半夜因为狗喝醉胡闹而赶走它，狗也从不不付帐就跑掉。实际上我们十分欢迎您的狗来我们旅馆，如果它为您担保，也欢迎您来。
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students.He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.
Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in.The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the tests back out.This student got back his test and $64 change.
一天，教授正在给学生们监考。他发下试卷，然后回到讲台前等待。
考试结束了，学生们纷纷交回试卷。教授发现一张试卷上别着一张百元钞票，还有一张纸条写着：“一分一块钱。”
第二堂课，教授把试卷都发回学生们手中。其中一个学生不但得到了试卷还得到64块钱的`找零。
No matter which girl he brought home， the young man found disapproval from his mother. A friend gave him advice. “Find a girl just like your mother—then she's bound to like her. So the young man searched and searched， and finally found the girl.He told his friendly adviser： “Just like you said， I found a girl who looked，talked，dressed， and even cooked like mother.And just as you said，mother liked her” “So，”asked the friend，“what happened?” “Nothing，”said the young man.“My father hates her!”
无论带哪一个女孩回家，这位青年人总会遭到母亲的反对。一位朋友劝他说： “找一个和你母亲一样的女孩——那她一定会喜欢她。” 于是这位青年人不停地找啊找，终于找到了这么个女孩。 正像你说的那样，我找到一个长相、谈吐、穿着打扮，甚至连烹饪都和我母亲一样的女孩。也正像你说的那样，我母亲喜欢她。” “那后来呢？”朋友问。 “没什么，”青年人说。“我父亲讨厌她！”
—Waiter,thislobsterhasonlyoneclaw.
--I'msorry,sir.Itmusthavebeeninafight.
--Well,bringmethewinnerthen.
--服务员，这个龙虾只有一只爪。
--对不起，先生，这只肯定打过架了。
--哦，那给我那个打赢的吧。
Dentist: Please stop howling.I haven't even touched your tooth yet.
Patient: I know.But you are standing on my foot!
牙医：请不要再叫了，我都还没有挨着你的牙齿啊！
病人：可是，亲，你可明白，你踩到我脚了！
Christmas Eve Service平安夜礼拜
Just as I began my Christmas Eve service, the electricity in the church failed. The ushers and I found some candles and placed them around the sanctuary. Then I reentered the pulpit, shuffled my notes, and muttered, "Now, where was I?" A tired voice called out, "Right near the end!"
就在我开始平安夜祷告时，教堂停电了。教堂里的接待人员和我找到一些蜡烛，把它们放在礼堂周围。然后我重返讲道坛，整理了一下笔记后，我说：“刚才我讲到哪儿了？”传来一阵不耐烦的声音：“马上就讲完了！”